Detective: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us Mr.Carmichael. Any information concerning the recent string of murders is appreciated.
Mr.Carmichael: Oh no, it's really no trouble. Anything to help you get that devious bastard behind bars Detective.
Detective: It's men like you that keep me from giving up and kissing my wife at night.
Mr.Carmichael: Um... okay thanks...
Decetive: I mean it Mr.Carmichael. Nights where I just want to blow my loaded gun like big felonious cock, I think about a man like you holding me in his strong, oiled arms. Kissing the tops of my earlobes... gently...
MC: Detective?
Detective: Oh those nights... those summer nights...It gets me so sentimental Mr.Carmichael. You have no idea.
MC: No.. No I do not- but back to the case-
D: Of course! (shapes up and gets serious) Now, you said you have some new information regarding the latest crime scene details?
MC: Well... it's not new information so much as... um... so much as a mistake.
D:A mistake?
MC: Yeah um... look I know this guy is a ruthless killer.
D: Yes. A deviant of the most obscene proportions.
MC: Yes but... a genius. A misunderstood genius
D: Genius of baby dicks I'll tell you that much.
MC: Baby d- What- How... why would you say that? I mean not that I care. He's a piece of shit, that guy. But that doesn't mean he's not... you know... well endowed.
D: Oh Mr. Carmichael, we've been working in close contact with some of the finest criminal profilers the FBI has to offer. There have been decades upon decades of research on the matter.
Mc: On what?
D: On the baby dick correlation. Official name, Dahmernious Dongitis. There's enough been a sensational amount of research concerning the button-nose cock and serial murders. Now, that doesn't NECESSARILY prove causation. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to raise his eyebrows and wonder...
MC: That... I mean how could- what even is the average?
D: Oh it's a hard 5. Thank god right?! Just barely made the cut Ha HA!
MC: Yeah but... the girth is probably... skewed by porn stars and the guys from Entourage
D: Nope..Nope... girth is about a standard kosher dill. Aim the bar low and make women think they have a broken clitoris- God bless the census.
MC: Okay but you can't... how did he kill all those girls then? You guys.. you guys said on that cause of death was penile suffocation. That's... I mean I would think to do that the guy must be pretty well endowed.
D: Oh but that's just the the thing we said for the press. We knew he'd probably want to write us a letter if we built up his ego. Between you and me, our coroner measured the trajectory of the cum and it didn't even hit the back molar.
MC: But it was penile suffocation.
D: Well... it was death by dildo. So we fudged a little bit. Gotta get the guy to come out of the woodwork ya know?
MC: So um that actually brings me to what I came here to talk to you about...
D: There's a second dildo? I knew it- I KNEW IT!
MC: No no, but I was thinking suppose... suppose that dildo was oh.. I don't know... on loan.
D: What do you mean?
MC: I mean... supposing the killer had maybe borrowed it from someone and offered up some form of collateral...
D: So you're saying the dildo doesn't belong to the killer?
MC: Oh I have no way of knowing but suppose... suppose maybe he borrowed it from his brother-in-law... and maybe gave his brother-in-law some damning evidence as part of the loan.
D:Right...It's still... The killer still used it as a murder weapon though- I'm not following where you're going with this.
MC: Well it's just that by saying it was the Killers...it might you know... make the brother-in-law upset.
D: Well wouldn't he come forward?
MC: Right... that's the logic of it. But suppose that this made the brother-in-law so mad that he was threatening to kill the killer.
D: Why would he do that?
MC: Chuck's got kind of a temper.
D: I'm sorry... come again? How do you know his name?
MC: Oh no! No no I don't at all. No.. I uh... I call guys I don't know Chuck.. it's my kind of my thing.
D: Okay... so you think we're gonna get our killer killed before we get a chance to see him virulently ass-raped in prison huh?
MC: That's... not everyone gets ass-raped in prison. But yeah, I just.. I don't want all the hard work you guys have put into it to go without proper acknowledgment. I would hate to see some guy get all the credit while the real heroes have to haul him away. The media would have a field day.
D: The media? But the media never skews the truth!
MC: Policeman murders serial killer-killer hero.
D: I don't think...
MC: He's black.
D: Fuck. Okay...okay but Mr.Carmichael...how can we prevent this from happening??
MC: Look... you trust me right?
D: Trust you? I'd MARRY you.
MC: Right-wait what?
D: I'd marry you... to the law. And make you captain of justice. (adjusts himself)
MC: Okay... look anyway, I was going to suggest that maybe... maybe I can kind of sneak it back onto the crime scene... My apartment is right below.
D: I'm not following...
MC: Look just give me the dildo. Tell them there was a robbery. I'll put it back were it came from, Chuck will pick it up and I- The killer will be yours to capture. But don't... uh.. don't wait for him. Let him commit a few more murders for... evidence.
D: Mr.Carmichael?
MC: Detective?
D: You must be tired.
MC: Oh... uh.. no?
D: Because you've been running around my mind all day.
MC: Can I go?
D: Yes you magnificent angel. But take this before you go.
MC: Is this... Did you just... did you just pull that out of yourself?
D: Some things are better left a mystery Mr. Carmichael.
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