I'm not trying to be a dick, although I'm succeeding marvelously, but that particular error kills me and I personally know you're better than that. It's early for a Valentine, but regardless your first stanza is killer. It's intriguing, it feels real, it makes me want to read on. Second stanza feels disconnected and flat to me. Again, not trying to be a dick - but I would much rather hear about how your love was a weapon or how it is no longer firing than have you cast predictions into a nebulous future. Ideally, I'd hear about you. You are the interesting thing; you've established a certain cult of personality and we readers like to get to know you and your thoughts. But you get a lil cowardly on that second stanza and omit yourself entirely. Was it your empire? His? Some combination? It could perhaps be salvaged but we need more from you.
*Its.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to be a dick, although I'm succeeding marvelously, but that particular error kills me and I personally know you're better than that. It's early for a Valentine, but regardless your first stanza is killer. It's intriguing, it feels real, it makes me want to read on. Second stanza feels disconnected and flat to me. Again, not trying to be a dick - but I would much rather hear about how your love was a weapon or how it is no longer firing than have you cast predictions into a nebulous future. Ideally, I'd hear about you. You are the interesting thing; you've established a certain cult of personality and we readers like to get to know you and your thoughts. But you get a lil cowardly on that second stanza and omit yourself entirely. Was it your empire? His? Some combination? It could perhaps be salvaged but we need more from you.
Good to see you writing again darling; take care.
Mike